Empty Space

"While I was with him I stretched out to accommodate him. In the end, it was creating just a bigger place for emptiness to reside in once he was gone."

Chante Ishta - The Single Eye of the Heart -The Language of the Universe

On my quest for learning how to heal myself and others....


It was 2012, I was living in Korea. On a faded and ripped paper I kept a list of algorithms I had learned and used to solve the Rubics Cube. I had been working on the Cube to force myself to escape the pain and isolation of living in the countryside, having been deserted by someone I loved with no warning, my heart broken into a million pieces, not able to cope with my reality. No one to talk to, I thought if I kept myself busy, I could make it through the year with a level of self preservation that allowed me to be a good mother and successfully complete the year of teaching I had committed to.

During that year I developed a cyst on my ovary which had mutated cells and became the size of a grapefruit. Although it was finally removed safely, it could have taken me down if the cancer had spread. At that time I had no idea why a cyst would take up house in my body, but I knew I was in pain, I knew it was related to that, I was trying to live as healthily as I could. I grew my spirit in the ways I felt were best listening to lectures and reading the bible. You do the best you know how to do at that time. This is my belief. The cyst, a dark fear ridden place in my womb, brought shade to my life, but it must have had a purpose. In all things, I believe there is a purpose. Sometimes it just takes a while to figure out what that purpose is.

Although I do not remember doing it now, on the algorithm sheet, I had drawn a small symbol..a heart, open on one side, with a big dot in the center of it. Now and then, I draw symbols, and have done it all my life. I am not sure why or where they come from, but they show up in my mind and I draw them. In the past, I have left them alone, forgotten and seemingly worthless. Just scribbles. However lately I have learned not to ignore them.

Since returning from Korea, I have had the cyst removed, healed from the loss that nearly killed me, and started to take back my life. Circumstances have permitted me to follow passions, nurture relationships and find out more about how I am.

I have taken to watching videos about healing. I have been doing it since I returned. I have covered a few types, such as Christian healings, touched on Reikki, learned about subconscious mind, a few others and am currently learning about quantum physics and how it relates to ancient scripture and modern science. I am finally finding my way in this life and I know it related to healing myself and healing the people I care for.

A few nights ago I learned how to see the brain in a new perspective, in regards to knowledge. According to the lecture I was listening to, the Western world sees knowledge as something that is located in one's brain, however the Eastern world sees knowledge as something that exists in the form of energy and is available to anyone, in a limitless capacity. Our brains are receptors to accessing the units of knowledge. The key is to know that you already have access to all of the knowledge of the world, and learn how to access it. This is consistent with scriptures I have read, books I have read, both new age and ancient.

This explains why I sometimes know parts of things that I don't understand but later I come across the meaning, or why I draw symbols that later make sense. I have always attributed these experiences to being God's ways of proving to me that I have divine nature, and although this is still my true belief at the end of the day, it is interesting to learn more by seeing that the principles of this are consistent across scriptures and science.

So a few nights ago I was listening to a lecture and with a completely unrelated thought, I stopped and looked around in various old books, trying to find my algorithm sheet. I had no idea why, but I had an urge to solve my Rubics Cube (which I hadn't done in two years) and I needed that sheet. I found the sheet, almost effortlessly, and set to work while listening to the lecture. The sheet I left laying beside my computer, waiting for the next time I could work on it, since I had forgotten have the algorithms and needed more practice.

This morning, as I continued to work on the Cube, I saw the cute little symbol I had written and I thought..strange symbol but it needs to be on my arm. So I took a pen and I copied it. I am getting attached to this little symbol. Later I came home and threw on a new video, as I had finished the last one. Four hours..lots to take in, but I love this speaker and I wanted more. I was starting to understand how the principles work, but I wanted to learn more about application.

As I listened, I had to stop and hold my head, hold my heart. Sounds dramatic, but I guess it was. Another confirmation of just how much power we potentially hold. As Gregg Braden explained the language of healing I could see a number of experiences coming together.

There, on my algorithm cheat sheet, and, on my arm, was a perfect symbol for what Braden calls,  "Chante Ishta" (in Lakota, a Native language), which means, single eye (light) of the heart. I had written in 2012..decoded in 2014.

 He went on to explain, that the world's most powerful language is the mixing of thought, feeling and emotion ( I had heard this part days ago in another lecture, about how electromagnetic power from our hearts actually changes DNA, science to prove it, and even written the name Chante Ishta in my notes, but hadn't connected it) ..The language which can be most powerful, move mountains, as several scriptures suggest, is the language of our heart. We must learn to experience feelings without judgement, bless the experience for bringing insight to our lives, accept and resolve pain, replace with beauty and the healing of the body will come naturally thereafter. There is no running from the pain. Only, there is embracing.

This is all content I have heard before. A bit of it here, a bit of it there. All sounded good, but had no meaning, as if it wasn't rooted in a truth personal enough to me that I was willing to embrace it. Put it all together, and pair it with the idea that these are things Jesus practically shouted in his life, recorded in the gospel, things Budha taught and are still practised today, and things science can now prove. The marriage of scripture, faith and science..something I have always wanted to see, is happening before my eyes.

I am learning to trust intuition, honour feelings, and see every experience as worth blessing, a window into life or the future. When I look back at the time when I was escaping pain by doing a Rubics Cube, my intuition was trying to tell me something else. Embrace all of it. 

Timelessness of True Love

An old man recently said to me, "We celebrated our anniversary this week". Speaking of his deceased ex wife. Interesting that he would still reflect on his anniversary decades after not only ending the relationship (formally) but also saying goodbye to his lover's earthly body. 

It makes me think that there is something timeless about true love. True love can possibly be measured by how much someone is loved, regardless of what happens, how she or he hurts others, desertion, infidelity, even death. True love holds on through all of it. 

I suppose the essence of who one really is can be defined in some part by how much they were loved and how much they loved or still love someone, even if that someone isn't with them or around any more. It’s interesting that an old man of 69, who has been divorced and then widdowered..(if it's possible to say that after a divorce) still thinks of his anniversary as a special day.

This lends itself to who she was. She may have felt unloved, abandoned, full of anger and resentment, but she was loved with a timeless love, even though she had a wall around her so thick she couldn't feel it at all. My hope for that woman is that after death, she has a chance to truly know how much she was loved. And that she knows that he still thinks of her, and remembers their anniversary. 

To remember: (for signing)
"I know I asked too much of you, and I'm pushing you away... I've got nothing to say to a ghost...hoping she'll fade away..I've got nothing to say to a ghost, love is not lived this way. Take your words and put them in my mouth, help me say thing things I never could say..I forgive you..so afraid I'm scared to walk away, eyes are tired but I'm wide awake, I'll forget you. My love, I've learned to let go, of all the things I though we've had. I've got nothing to say to a ghost...Love is not lived this way.." Women's Hour.

Abide

This word seems to have so many layers and meaning and it reveals them throughout the years. Today, it means walking right into the storm and just being in it. Endurance with patient affirmation that it will eventually dissipate. It is so tiring and futile, running from all of the discomfort. Time to face all of it dead on. Time to abide,  v 4.0. Time to be brave and trust.

Raw Again

raw again

after months of drought,
not a tear would show itself
cowards, afraid to streak
the face of someone so
dormant inside

the raw came back.
it rolled in like a heavy storm
i cried on the floor, head to the ground
as i have other times.
then there was that freshness after the rain

i am thankful i got my life back
the life in me, the rawness
the pain, a crisp wind inflating a spirit
the feelings washed over
a previously tired wandering person on pause

a second, third, fourth, twentieth chance
evolution stops, rests, and keeps walking on
two steps nowhere, one step forward
if i feel, i can grow, if i grow,
i can be real and live raw

The Loathing Pipe

I saw it all when I peeked through the far end of the pipe.

I saw you, wandering along the confines of the drain.
Your skin had grown scaly and thick,
Your eyes were glowing radioactive green.
Your hands dragged in the refuse as your hunch hunched onwards.

I saw you lie. Not a little white lie, but a whole slew of big mouldy lies.
You kept bad company. With dark, corrupting, life-sucking creatures of the night.
You put your things in the wrong places.
The wrong things went first and the right things so far at the end,
They fell off,  lying in your watery tracks somewhere.

You de-inspired yourself in hazy oil-thick laze, and then you bathed in sudsy excuses.
You used all the vermin you could find in the pipe.
You ate up furry little faces and
swallowed slimy slugs with your greedy smacks.
Barging through the weakness of creatures' like an open door
You dragged all your demons.

And you look so good to them all.
You got wealth, wonder and water while you wandered.
You became the object of abundant pipe-life.
You ruled the underworld.
The King of the Drain.
A person of sewer superiority.

Into just how much dinge you can decend
Is what makes you as strong as you are.
Pointy, like a drill,
You screw through the filth to the other side.
You can't walk in this ground worm forever.
Eventually you will grow big and
Get tired of bending over to fit in.
You'll bump your head on the top of this world.

At the end you will step into fresh air and green grass.
It will sting as the darkness melts off of you in the sun.
If you self peel, it will hurt more.
You will eventually forget the most putrid particles, in
A mere olfactory pond
reflecting you along with the scum of where you've been in the night.


Then I'll see what you look like in the light.
Less like a troll, and more like a human, I am sure.