The things you never plan for..

It's 5: 30, almost dark, unfortunately, in the winter. We are in the car, headed to watch my little God son's hockey game.
"Mama," she says from the back seat.
Her car seat is getting too small for her. Come to think of it, I've known for two weeks now, she is 42 pounds, big enough for a booster seat. Saw them on sale in a flyer. Need to get on that.
'Yes, hun, " as I have said a thousand times, with a thousand mini but hugificent questions she asks.
We have just driven by a cemetery.
"Is that where Grama is, Mama?"
How do I go about answering that. She interrupts anyways.
"Why did grama die? Am I gonna die mama? Am I gonna go to Heaven? Are you gonna die too?"
Shit. I thought these were glorified moments of TV drama, not real!
"Is Grampa gonna die?"
Ok, think..
"Yes, honey, some day..but he is still young, and healthy, he will be around for a long time too, so don't worry"
"Grama was old then Mama, wasn't she? She had to go to Heaven where old people go. Old people die Mama, right, old people are in Heaven"
don't lie to your children, don't lie to your children...
But she is still too young to make sense of this. Do they really have an innate sense, this young, to start asking questions this meaningful?
"Well honey, Grama was very sick, so she wasn't old, she was still pretty young, but she had to finish her time here, it was hard for her, and she had to go be in Heaven with God where it's better for her"
"She was my Grama, right Mama? She was your Mama...and she was my Grama?"
Is there a day I don't wish she was here to meet you Avaih?
"Yes, Avaih, she is your Grama"
"But she died, Mama, but she wasn't old"
I have no idea what to say.
"But Mama, what about Grampa, he is gonna die soon, right?"
Hmmm, shit, yeah, i guess..sort of, relatively, well, how knows, sort it out T, you are a grown up..
"Honey, we never know when we are gonna be done here and go to Heaven to be with God. But when we go, we are ok, and Heaven is a nice place, with God who loves you, and with princesses and castles and fairies and all kinds of candy"
I can't see her face, it's darker and there's a lot of traffic at this time of night.
Thank goodness she can't see mine.
"So Mama, I'm gonna tell Grampa he's gonna get candy and see princesses soon Mama,"
Oh no, wow, didn't expect this so soon. I can't have her saying that to Dad. Who wants to ever hear something like that.
"No no, honey, it's best you don't do that, see Grampa might be sad about saying goodbye, and so we shouldn't really talk about it much, you know, just talk to mommy about.."
She interrupts.
"Ok Mama, we won't tell Grampa he is gonna go to Heaven soon cause he is old and have candy and princesses. But can I go too Mama, I'll come back, I promise, I won't stay too long,and I will bring Grama back too Mama, to see you. I will go with Grampa"
The reds and yellows of the cars' lights, green of the go light, though they are more blurry tonight, take one of my hands and guide me towards home. The reality of it sinks from the surface towards the inside.
I think.
Thank God for every day I hear the little thunk of your feet hitting the floor out of bed, and the twist of the bedroom door, and then, "Mama, get up, get up, let's go downstairs, I'm hungry."
Every day is a gift. Such a cliche, but I don't even care.

Happy Birthday, to my Mama, this week you would be 57. I can't believe it.
I try to imagine, what you would look like. Can you believe it's been ten years Mom, ten years..so long, but also so short. The blink of an eye. But also 100 years, stretched as thin as possible, especially when I really need you.
I remember the good times, and I remember the good things you taught me, and I am trying to do a good job of keeping those things in my everyday, and teaching those good things to your granddaughter.

We will never forget you in our day to day. Your virtues are alive and well in us every day, and are carried on through our generations. Happy Birthday Mom. (January 28, 2010.January 28, 1953.)

Fighting with the last little while..

Ever find the climb is so steep you can't see what's ahead of you? Or how close you are to the top? So, weary and inspiration run dry, you go back down before ever reaching your final destination. It's only when you get to the very bottom again that you can see how close you came to reaching the top. The only thing to do is now is to remember how close you came, so next time you can keep on going.

The last few laps are always the longest, the hottest, the driest, when muscles are fatigued, hearts have sunken low.

I think, often our preparations get even more unbearable just before we are about to realize achievement of our goal. The trick is to remember this during the struggle, and use it to power through.

"Many of life's failures are people who don't realize how close they were to success when they gave up. " Thomas Edison

I'll try not to give up on what I believe in, and do what I think I am here to do.