I was done my forty days of listening on June 17th. When I started, I wondered, how can I become and conscious listener in just forty days, and better yet, how can I listen for forty days straight? This seemed impossible, knowing then that I couldn't get through forty seconds let alone forty days.
I love when I am humbled by just how little I know. I also love how God's sense of humor tickles me until I bust at the seams, overflowing in the most pure form of ecstasy. He is surely saying, you thought you had it eh, but as it turns out, you were not quite right..instead, let's see what you think of this..as he rolls out an even more satisfying experience. Yes, I was so wrong, once again, but, my dear Maker, I am so right about knowing how wrong I was. (at least). I know he smiles at this.
I used to say all the time, everything exists within it's opposite..I found over and over that I was right, even though when I started saying that, I didn't have a clue why I said that as often as I did. It is true. I finished forty days of listening, and I heard so much. It was as if my ears had never heard before. Maybe it was my heart that had never heard, or my spirit that had never listened.
If you are reading this, I bet I know more about you than I did a few months ago. And they might even be things you didn't tell me explicitly. Watch out, I got your back, and I know you more personally now..or at least, I am on my way to it.
What did I learn. Lots, but I will touch on just a little of it.
Listening takes time. It is a two part activity. First there is the presence. You have to be there, not thinking about what time you have to start making dinner, or how badly your car needs an oil change, or wondering how your breath is smelling.
You have to stop waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can take your turn showing them how you know what they mean (when you don't). You have to step out of the circle. It's not about you. It's not even about the other person. It's more divine than that. It's more magical. It's more holy.
So there's that part. Then, there's the after-listening. The thinking, the review, the looking deeper, the circumstances, the context, the perceptive you failed to see at the time, the angle you couldn't see because of your own short-comings or limited scope. That part allows for the hearing of possibilities. Of deeper understanding. You can choose that, or just quiet contemplation, allowing the introspect to come to you like a super power. Both work.
I bet you are wondering what I heard. Well, I can share some of it. Some is mine all mine. You will have to listen too if you want to know what's to hear.
It was pretty. It was ugly. Even scary. But real as ever.
I heard the wind and realized what it's real job is. I heard birds, the water, the moon yawn. I heard what chaos sounds like, in the world, in a life, in a child's life. I heard desperation, fear, lost ways. I heard what a life sounds like when it wisks by you so fast you hardly saw it. I also heard a common voice. That we've all been through it, or some form of it. I heard that not everyone is a judge, nor is everyone standing on trial every day.I heard excuses, and holding back and the quiet of stinginess. I know the voice of stubbornness. I heard vulnerability, and self righteousness, and also truth, lots and lots of truth. And I also heard some things about me. Some things I loved to hear, other things that I didn't love so much. I heard Avaih growing right next to me as I grew. I heard great news about our future. Mine, yes, and yours and mine too.
Each one of the sounds above have specific references, with details, with faces, voices, bodies which also give messages. Louder than life, you could say. And sometimes, someone is screaming at you, with their words, or just actions, or maybe non actions. They are just screaming their message, but you don't hear it. They have to resort to all kinds of ways to get you to hear them. Being on the listening end, I see how sometimes it is hard to get people to hear you. Ever had that? Actions are your truest friends, much more loyal than words, but even actions can lie to you. The heart is really the most reliable listener (did I just say that? I know, how cheesy). Romanticized overused cliches..but then...everything exists within it's opposite. Know what I mean?
I also heard my own voice saying no, for the first times ever. I heard the resistance to it from others. I heard the struggle inside me to change back to yes. But the No's became easier, and the resistance became minimal. And my life became more peaceful. I could hear more clearly.
Yes, I heard my monster, and no, I didn't feed it. I could hardly hear it, it's just a pip squeak now... squeak squeak..It just gets told to hush. I can't listen when my monster gets all restless and noisy. (perhaps I will write about my monster someday)
Anyways, now, I can't seem to let go of it. The listening I found so hard to do at first is now something I can't live without.What I can live without is the constant spin of life, too fast to grab on, and not easy to stay on. It makes you dizzy, doesn't it? Life. Fast life, fast hands, fast thoughts, fast words, fast ears, fast love, fast loss. This has to go, if I really want to continue listening, continue being present, continue growing.
So what now?
Listening isn't an activity I have to do proactively. It is a way to live.
Instead of a life of distraction, I can hear a voice, even in a bird's song or a in wind at my window. People don't have to shout at me anymore, or do crazy dances to get me to understand. Now that my ears are perked up and my heart is full of clear and true feeback, I will be looking for a certain voice which resides inside of all people. More to come on my next adventure. Come along with me?
